Do you sometimes leave meetings feeling you could have contributed more? As you walk out of the door do you experience a nagging feeling that somehow you have missed an opportunity? That you have not made your point clearly enough? Or not gained the support you would have liked or even expected?

Does this nagging feeling pull at the threads of your confidence, slowly fraying and unravelling it? And at subsequent meetings do you find yourself starting to shy away from potential conflict and difficult discussions? If so, you can be sure you are not alone.

This article offers tools and techniques that will help you contribute to your meetings confidently and influentially.

In order to contribute to meetings effectively, we need to develop our skills in the following four areas:

Introducing and presenting our ideas clearly and concisely.

Appreciating and building upon others’ perspectives and ideas.

Being influential and dealing effectively with conflict.

Maintaining and building our confidence in our ability and right to contribute.

 

At the fundamental level, all meetings are about exchanging information. Therefore our ability to introduce and present our ideas clearly and concisely is of great importance.

Two common difficulties we experience when presenting our ideas are:

Not gaining and holding others’ attention when we are making our contributions.

Not making our key points clear and memorable.

If you would like to overcome these difficulties try some of the following techniques at the next meeting you attend:

Use the PIR technique. This approach is most useful if you are chairing or presenting an issue more formally at a meeting. Firstly, you need to remember to break people’s preoccupation with whatever they have been focusing upon prior to you speaking. You can do this by simply saying good morning, waiting for a reply and then, if appropriate introducing yourself. Then, especially if you are contributing at or near the beginning of the meeting, you may need to use an icebreaker phrase to help people get used to your voice and start focusing their attention on you. An icebreaker phrase can consist of simply thanking people for the opportunity to speak at the meeting, or it can make reference to something a previous speaker has said. Once you have gained people’s attention it is time to introduce your topic and explain how it is relevant to those listening.

Use the 3 Ts. Tell them what you are going to say, tell them and then tell them what you have told them. When speaking with people face to face the phrase ‘listen carefully I will say this only once’, has very limited value. When people listen to someone speaking they process the information they hear very differently from when they read the same information in a briefing or report. When we listen to information given to us face to face our brains respond not only to the content of the information but also the way it is presented to us. Our brains instinctively pick out the patterns of our speech, the phrasing we use, what is emphasised and what is repeated.

This last aspect of repetition is commonly under utilised by those that are inexperienced or lack confidence in speaking at meetings. They can build themselves up to making a simple, clear and concise contribution, but because the listeners’ ears gain no clues from the speaker as to the contribution’s significance or relevance, the words dissolve away within the listeners’ short – term memories, forgotten as soon as they are spoken. The listeners’ brains have been given little to help them imprint the key message of the contribution into their more permanent, longer – term memories.

Our brains respond instinctively to repetition, automatically assuming that repetition equates to importance, so the next time you want people to remember your contribution at meeting build repetition into it by saying something like:

‘I feel that the point I am about to make is an important one. I am going to talk about the need for a 50% increase in our overall budget for computer equipment (Tell them what you are going to tell them.).’

‘I feel we need a 50% increase in our overall budget for computer equipment because…………(Tell them.)’

‘So those are the main reasons why I feel it is important that we increase our budget for computer equipment by 50% (Tell them what you have told them.).’

Use the Association Principle. Relate what you are saying to a practical example, illustration or anecdote that will be appreciated by those that are listening. Our listeners’ brains like to use existing memories as hooks upon which to hang new, related pieces of information. This is a key characteristic of the way we all build memory and learn. If our listeners’ brains cannot easily find these ‘associative hooks’, then it is likely that much of the new information they receive will not, almost literally, ‘stick in the mind’. Not giving practical examples of what you are talking about is like describing a wonderful piece of music without giving people the chance to hear it, or describing a great work of art without giving people the opportunity to look at it, ultimately unmemorable and more or less pointless.

Pay attention to what you say last – make your endings RARE. What you say last during a meeting lingers in your listeners’ minds the longest, so pay special attention to how you finish your contribution. What is the main point you want to your listeners to remember and act upon? How can you emphasise this? Use RARE to check out your options for ending. Would a straight Recap be best or would one final relevant Anecdote do the job better? Would a Rhetorical question get them thinking about the implications of what you have said? Or could you End like the beginning, reinforcing your point by referring to an example you gave at the beginning of your contribution?

The best meetings build upon people’s contributions in order to identify the best possible options, recommendations and actions. This is, however, sometimes easier said than done.

Two common difficulties we experience when doing our best to appreciate and build upon others’ perspectives are:

Not understanding the mindset that is generating another person’s thoughts, opinions and questions.

Thinking about how to get our own contributions across at the expense of listening to and building upon those of others.

If you would like to overcome these difficulties try some of the following techniques at the next meeting you attend:

Use the LASER technique. First listen to what the other person is saying. Then explicitly acknowledge what they have said by summarising their idea or point of view using your own words. Follow this by exploring their idea or point of view to clarify anything that is unclear and make sure that you fully understand it. Finally, review your understanding. Identify how their idea or point of view is similar or different to your own. Think about how their thoughts add to your understanding of the issues under discussion and look for ways in which you can build upon what has been said.

Use building phrases. These acknowledge and work with others’ ideas and points of view. Building phrases are deceptively simple, immensely powerful tools that replace lazy, habitual language with more helpful, collaborative language.

When we have listened to another person’s ideas we can be so keen to get our own points across that we instantly acknowledge what the other person has said by saying ‘yes’ and then, without thinking, immediately dismiss it by saying ‘but’. The message we are giving the other person is: ‘Yes I have heard what you are saying, but my view is more important.’

This ‘yes butting’ is an example of lazy, habitual language that serves to block rather than encourage progress at meetings. Also, if we ‘yes but’ others, they will tend to do it straight back to us.

Instead, look to work with what others say during a meeting by using building phrases such as:

Remember that a building phrase always:

Acknowledges the contribution and the person who made it.

Describes how the contribution can be explored further, developed, complemented or implemented etc.

Identify the other person’s mindset. If we can recognise how our listeners prefer to perceive and think about information, we can adjust how we present our views and ideas so that they fit better with these preferences. This will make our contributions better understood and more influential.

The next time you are making a contribution at a meeting, make a point of noticing how people react to what you are saying. What sort of responses are you receiving from them and what sort of questions are they asking? Then try to identify the type of mindset that lies behind this behaviour. The main mindsets to look out for are:

People that think very big picture, they say things like: ‘What is the overall message here?’ or ‘The general direction we need to go in is…’.

People that like detail, they say things like: ‘What are the precise causes of this problem?’ or ‘What specific evidence is there to support this particular view?’.

People that personally identify with issues, they say things like: ‘I have a problem.’ or ‘I cannot see my way out of this.’.

People that keep things at arm’s length, they say things like: ‘There seems to be a problem there.’ or ‘How can a way be found out of that situation?’

People that look to future goals and challenges, they say things like: ‘Our vision and goals for the future are..’ or ‘Over the next five years we need to become recognised experts in this particular area of the market.’.

People that look to avoid mistakes and crisis situations, they say things like: ‘We need to make sure this does not happen again.’ or ‘We need to get round these upcoming obstacles.’.

People that act on their own internal values, they say things like: ‘That is not the way I feel things should be done.’ or ‘That sits easily with me.’ or ‘I didn’t get where I am today by…….’.

People that like to check out the worth of things by gaining feedback from other people, they say things like: ‘What does the boss/team think?’ or ‘Have you checked this out with so and so to get their views?’.

People that like to identify and play around with options and ideas, they say things like: ‘Let’s kick around a few ideas.’ or ‘What would happen if we thought outside the box and widened our thinking?’.

People that like to narrow things down and think in terms of specific processes and methods, they say things like: ‘What steps are we going to take to make this happen?’ or ‘What does the flowchart of this process look like?’ or ‘Talk me through this stage by stage.’.

People that like to look for similarities, they say things like: ‘We did something like this before.’ or ‘This issue reminds me of….’

People that like to look for difference, they say things like: ‘I have not come across this aspect before.’ or ‘The one thing that stands out for me as not fitting in here is…….’.

Once you are adept at recognising the mindsets of your listeners you can start to vary the way you present your ideas to them so that you become better understood and influential.

You can do this by repackaging your ideas so that they mirror the mindsets of those people at the meeting whose support is crucial to you. For example, if you are picking up that a key individual attending the meeting has adopted a very risk averse, avoiding mistakes mindset, you can concentrate on explaining how your ideas will help avoid old mistakes being repeated and/or new ones being made. If, on the other hand, you encounter key individuals that have adopted a very explorative, ‘kicking round options’ mindset, you may need to join in for a while, offering your idea as ‘just another option’. You can steer people back in the direction of your idea later on, once the meeting has begun to think about selecting ideas for further consideration and development.

Do your best to listen empathetically. As well as showing that you are listening to somebody through what you say and do, practise the skill of creating a rich picture in your mind of what the other person is saying and what it means to them. Immerse yourself in their words, thoughts and imagery and stop thinking about your own agenda and what you might want to say in response.

If you do this your inner concentration on what is being said will shine through to your outer behaviour, and those attending the meeting will see you as an excellent listener. This will encourage people to talk to you, so making it easier for you to identify the differing views around the table. Also, when the time comes for you to make your own contributions, people will be more than happy to listen to you, just as you listened to them.

Two aspects that preoccupy most people that attend meetings are how they can maximise their personal influence and how they can respond positively to the inevitable conflicts that arise.

Two common difficulties we experience in these areas are:

How to time, pace and phrase our contributions so as to maximise their persuasiveness and impact

How to stop reacting habitually and defensively to conflict situations

If you would like to overcome these difficulties try some of the following techniques at the next meeting you attend:

Use the CBI technique. If you want to control an item make your contributions early. This will make it easier for you to set the tone and direction of the meeting’s discussions. If you want to build on others’ contributions make your contributions later on, once others have made their initial points. If you want to have maximum impact in terms of people remembering you and your point, make your contribution at the end of the discussion.

Use question/statement patterning. This technique helps you to influence people gradually towards an acceptable outcome or agreement by encouraging you to pace and phrase your language around a series of progressive question/statement pairs. These pairs move from exploring issues to identifying agreed actions. The simple question/statement pattern to keep in mind when using this technique is:

What are the issues? / The issues are.

What are our options? / The options are.

Can we agree? / We can agree.

Use tactical politeness. This involves using non – judgmental language that can help us become more influential and improve our ability to manage conflict effectively. Generally, as we go through our day to day interactions with people, we speak out of habit, not thinking about the way we phrase things or how others might perceive this. However, in meetings where we need to be influential and where there may be potential for conflict, the words we use and how we say them can be of immense importance.

Consider the differences between these pairs of statements:

The phrases on the left are examples of habitual language, the sort of language we are most likely to hear and say during the routine progress of our lives. Implicit in each one of these phrases is a negative judgement about the people they are aimed at. The phrases to the right are examples polite, assertive language that betrays no judgement about the people on the receiving end of them.

The problem with habitual, judgement-laden language is that it provokes a negative, defensive reaction from those on the receiving end of it. When people are feeling defensive and reacting negatively to the way we have said something it is very difficult to influence them effectively. Before we can influence such people to our way of thinking, we first have to address the problem created by our judgmental, habitual language. If, however, we use the tactical politeness of assertive, non-judgmental language we will not have this additional barrier to overcome.

So, do not create two problems where there only needs to be one. Be tactically polite and enhance your ability to influence and persuade.

Ask for people’s co-operation

Explain why you need their co-operation and give the background and context of the situation

Acknowledge people’s reactions and summarise their positions (the LASER technique mentioned above can be used during this stage)

Outline the options for addressing the situation (describe the most favoured options first, then the least favoured and then finish by summarising the most favoured options again)

Confirm the current situation. What agreements can be made about the way forward? What disagreements/problem areas remain?

Act on agreements and address the problem areas

Most of us prefer to be asked for our co-operation rather than being told what we must do. Explaining why our help is needed will usually win over 80% of us. Acknowledging and exploring others’ views rather than just explaining our own will help convince people that we value them. If we show that we value others’ and their ideas they are more likely to value us and our ideas. Clearly outlining options reassures people that there is a way forward. Emphasising the most preferred options gives the discussion a more positive, helpful feel. Confirming the situation gives people space within which to think and perhaps reconsider their position. Acting on what has been agreed and addressing problems appropriately, even if this feels uncomfortable, shows intent and tells people that we mean what we say, which is the first step towards being trusted. Being trusted is a key quality to possess when involved in conflict situations.

Remember that there are only two types of conflict, hot and cold, and that each needs to be addressed differently. Hot conflict is passionate and fiery. It happens when people care deeply about the topic under discussion. Cold conflict is detached and icy. It happens when people become cynical and disillusioned.

Hot conflict is best dealt with by cooling it down with detached, assertive, action orientated professionalism. If faced with hot conflict remember that the person displaying it is fully engaged with the subject. What they want is to be taken seriously, have their views listened to and for effective action to take place. Imagine a person who has had their credit cards stolen. They do not want platitudes and sympathy. What they want is cool professionalism, reassurance that their money will be safe, their cards cancelled and replacements sent to them.

Cold conflict is best dealt with by offering warm, reassuring acknowledgement of feelings and sensitive support and guidance. If confronted with cold conflict remember that the people displaying it are probably deeply suspicious or even fearful of the subject under discussion. What they want to do is keep the topic as far away from themselves as they can and for no action to take place, especially any that involves them. Imagine a person who has just experienced some kind of personal tragedy, such as a loss in the family. What they need is warm reassurance, acknowledgement of their feelings and support that will help them come to terms with the situation.

Contributing effectively to meetings needs a firm foundation of personal confidence that is built upon a strong positive belief in both what you are saying and your right to say it.

Two difficulties we experience when building positive belief and confidence are:

Not believing in our right to contribute

Assuming that people will not take what we say seriously

If you would like to overcome these difficulties try some of the following techniques at the next meeting you attend:

Look for your own personal, unique selling point. What is the one characteristic, item of expertise, personal experience or resource you possess that will encourage others to buy into your presence at the meeting and listen to your contributions? You may possess status, access to funds or specialist knowledge and expertise that is of great value to those present at the meeting. If you have a clear idea of your own worth to the meeting this will help you feel more confident and encourage you to be more forthright when making contributions.

Methodically and specifically dispute negative beliefs and assumptions. Ask yourself the following questions: What specific evidence can you find to dispute the negative beliefs troubling you? Rather than blaming yourself, what other reasons could there be for the situations causing your negative beliefs? What are the real implications of the situations you are thinking about negatively? What is the ultimate usefulness of the negative beliefs you hold and what positive things could you start thinking or doing in order to replace them?

Specify and reaffirm your right to attend the meeting and make your contribution. Be clear in your own mind about your right to attend the meeting. It may be as a result of your unique selling point as described above, or it may be because you are representing your team, colleagues or some other part of the organisation. You may find it useful to write out the rights you feel you have. Before attending each meeting, remind yourself of your specific right to be there.

Set yourself positive rather than negative goals. Think about the positive things you want to achieve during a meeting and then think about how best you can achieve them. Resist the temptation to set negative goals such as ‘I must avoid being ignored’ or ‘I must not show irritation or anger’. Negative goals merely serve to draw your attention to the very things you are trying to avoid. Concentrate instead on visualising the positive things that you want to achieve, make these more helpful things bright and clear in your mind.

Assume the positive intent of those attending the meeting. Making positive assumptions about the motives and likely reactions of the other people at the meeting will make you feel less defensive. As a result you will deliver your contributions with greater confidence and credibility. Remember that even if there are some difficult, non- supportive people at the meeting they are likely to be in the minority and be positively influenced by the rest of the people surrounding them.

Remember how well you did before you do it. Put yourself into the future and visualise yourself having already attended your next meeting. You did very well. You came across confidently and made your points very effectively. You were listened to and you gained agreement. Now think of all the steps that you went through to make this success happen. Start with the pre-meeting preparation and then think about your contributions during the meeting. What specifically did you do at each stage to ensure this overall success? Now create an action plan for your next meeting based on your thoughts. This technique works because it encourages you to think about the positive things that could happen in the future and the ways you can make them happen, rather than about the negative things that could hinder your effectiveness.

In order to contribute to meetings effectively we need to develop our skills in four areas:

Introducing and presenting our ideas clearly and concisely

Appreciating and building upon others perspectives and ideas

Being influential and dealing effectively with conflict

Maintaining and building our confidence in our ability and right to contribute

There are tools, techniques and approaches that can help us address the common difficulties we experience in these areas. These tools techniques and approaches are described above.

Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Life

Dr Martin Seligman

Introducing NLP

Joseph O’Connor and John Seymour

www.verbaljudo.com 

George J Thompson PhD

Managing Conflict Inside Organisations

Baroness Fritchie